Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Ain't That A Kick In The Head! Ouch!!

Festive Fun Starts Here!

Xmas Is Getting Damn Complicated These Days!

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Pauline

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family,

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2005
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Ho Ho Ho

This is genius! Spurs/Arsenal/Footy Fans Do Not Miss...

As a Spurs fan I can empathise completely with Herr Hitler - mind you with Spurs regarded as the 'Jewish' team of London (despite having had many Jews from London tell me that there is a bigger Jewish following for Arsenal, but never mind) I am not sure how appropriate it is to have the Nazi's portrayed as Spurs fans - hmmm ah I get it, irony, of course - anyway genius stuff and the film this clip is taken from is well worth renting out - it's called Downfall and it is a long but absolutely superb look at Hitler's last days in the bunker in Berlin in 1945 - by the way this clever doctoring of Downfall was first done in relation to Microsoft so go search for that if you wish on you tube...otherwise enjoy...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Snow Joke For This Nut Job

The commentary is almost as funny so turn it up...

Check Out This Right Tit!

A man having a boob job is weird enough - let alone having the silicone implants inserted in his feckin' leg!
But Lane Jensen's figure is now looking a little more voluptuous in an odd place after one of the most unusual operations of the year.
Lane, a devotee of body art already, had a tattoo of a buxom lady on his shin.
But for some reason, he decided this was not quite expressive enough - so had silicone implanted to make the etching stand out in all the right places.
Canadian Lane, editor of a body art and tattoo magazine, even sat up to watch most of the operation carried out by Brian Decker, owner of the firm Pure Body Arts, who carried out the strange surgery in just 45 minutes - and left Lane feeling nothing more than "a small bruise", but delighted with his new breasts.

Comments welcome here...

This is why the French win medals!

When it comes to olympic gold you need to be thinking outside the box - at least when it comes to your training methods! Check this sh*$t out...

check out more from this garlic-eating legend on

Monday, December 17, 2007

Congratulations 2007 Idiots Of The Year - Top 8

Billboard Guy Musta Peed Himself Doing This One!

Don't Be Such a Sauerkraut!

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troub lesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl


Rihanna Gets Kinky in Scotland

Hmmmm the celebrity-watch website had this to say about the lusciously lovely Barbados singer but not sure if I entirely agree - she looks, ahem, alright to me...

"Sultry singer Rihanna was laced, tied and strapped into an S&M bootcamp commander outfit for a performance in Glasgow on Friday. What, no whips?

The 19-year-old took this atrocious outfit one more step in the wrong direction by ditching the Marilyn Manson tutu"

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Crouching Lassie...Hidden Ninja

Hi Ho Tonto...Away!

21 Lines You Can Only Get Away With At Christmas ...

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.

Flying Without Wings?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Surf's Up Dudes!

Got these pix sent to me from Clare (the county not the person, not that the actual county sent me the shots either, more someone from up there, oh you know what I mean!) - Unreal aren't they! I have been doing a bit of surfing since the missus got me a wetsuit and board for xmas last year - mind you it was her who was most keen on getting 'stoked' on some waves - i had never been that pushed really though i had no doubts it wasnt a craic and a half i just didn't see me ever taking the time and interest to learn how to do it - and it is a steep learning curve but once you get a little taste of what it is you are supposed to be trying to do out on the waves it is unbelievably addictive - and it's cool to be out in the elements in all weathers having the craic - anyway not a chance in the world i am ever likely to be able to tackle waves the like of which you see here nor do i know if i would have the guts required but can you imagine the buzz - holy shit - it must be incredible and it is accessible - well waves, wetsuits and boards - all you need to start off really - couple of lessons to kick start you would do it - good clean healthy fun - lots of travel destinations open up with new possibilities as a result - keeps ya fit and strong - i could go on but just feast in these shots and imagine...just imagine...

it's fun to stay at the...

that's three tickets to hell right there...